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(914): DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD

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(734): Ugh he’s so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him

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(734): If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do.

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(203): Im invoking the “no judgements” clause of our friendship.

(1-203): My god, what have you done?

(917): Come now. I’m bloody but I’ll give you the best fuck of your life.

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(517): I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(206): The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.

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(214): She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.

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(412): I met a bunch of Germans and said in german “this is for the fatherland” and poured a beer on my head

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(330): Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.